hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
