Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
