Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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