I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
