your parents love me but you hate me
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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