I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
