My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
