Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
