Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
