i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
