There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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