What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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