so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
