Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
