Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
