so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
