turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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