I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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