My liver just broke up with me...
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
