did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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