Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
