i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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