I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
