My cat gives me a boner
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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