everyone is single if you try hard enough
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
