I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
