SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
