3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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