I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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