my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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