I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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