just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
