My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
