So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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