He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Sext me about skeletons
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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