Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
