I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
