my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
