I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
