Will you blow on my dice?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
