Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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