I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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