You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Michael Bay diarrhea
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
