Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I deserve this hangover.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
