I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
