I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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