Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
