Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
