I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
