i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
